Friends,
It’s been a while. I know you must have been deeply longing for a newsletter from me for some time…refreshing your inboxes in the hopes of a new drop. You can breathe a sigh of relief. She’s back!
By now, you probably know I have a good excuse — I’ve been busy growing organs and fingernails and a nervous system. I’m writing to you with a growing belly, sore hips, excessive bathroom breaks, and hormonal swings that make me long for PMS.
As my body shape shifts and my mind morphs, I’ve been trying — longing, rather — to write something about this experience. As a way to process, a way to cope, and probably, mainly, a way to hold onto the parts of myself I so deeply fear will get lost amid the torrent of sleepless nights that await me in 2023.
Alas, there has been no “aha,” though I’m told that may come when a sentient being emerges at the end of the year. But likely, no there have been no “ahas” because pregnancy is a liminal space. As creative thinker Anne-Laure Le Cunff writes:
Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, “threshold”) is the ambiguity that emerges in the middle of a fundamental transition. Liminality is the “in-between”, where the space and the participants no longer hold their past status, but have not yet fully transformed to their post-transition self.
Liminality can be applied to a person standing at the threshold between their previous way and a new way of structuring their identity, their time, or their community…
It can refer to a place, from an airport to a no-man’s land, or a reception room after the event has finished, the guests have left, but the leftovers on the dinner table still hold the memories of a shared meal.
Societies also go through liminal periods, where a “collapse of order” leads to an axial age, defined by philosopher Karl Jaspers as a period where the undisputed understanding of life is challenged, and where radical questions need to be asked.
A first pregnancy, the liminal space between woman and mother, feels like a nonlinear and deeply humbling pause between was was and what will be. For some, I hear it’s a magical and even blissful time. I’ve had a few of those days. For me, it’s mainly felt like seeking shelter in a dust storm, with a barrage of daily change, a disorienting you think you have it figured out and BAM! Brave new world.
My historic ways of being — seeking control, making plans, and tapping into a well of boundless energy that has helped me build companies, cultivate friendships, and dance the night away — are at odds with my present self. These rhythms and habits have been laughed out of the room, leaving me wondering what will be left and what will emerge.
Pregnancy has been an exercise in both cementing and erasing identity. Like Sharpee on a white board. It feels permanent, and then someone reminds you of the various home remedies that work like magic.
She sighs…is anything permanent?
Perhaps this is the aha I’ve been waiting for, one that I trust will become more clear when Patrick and I welcome this kiddo into the world and confront the true impermanence of life, both the humbling shapeshifting of becoming parents and bearing witness another human’s becoming.
Until then, and while I still have the headspace and energy, I thought I’d share some inspiring reads and listens that made me think again.
🙏🏼 First, an ask —
I’ve heard from several friends that there will be many a late night where a great new song, book or podcast will help. Please send over any auditory gems you’ve come across, especially playlists / albums or podcasts.
Made ya think
I wrote a thing! Our bodies hold the key to mental health (and intelligence). Research shows that being in tune with our bodies can help us make better decisions, rebound more readily from stressful situations, and manage emotions more effectively — yet the brain and body remain separate domains in science and culture to the detriment of mental health. This topic has been on my mind for some time, especially given the shifts of the last year.
Brian Eno interviews author James Bridle on his new book, Ways of Being. It’s the talk of the town and a fascinating (though a little dense) book about AI, non-human intelligence, ecology, biological computing, more-than-human relations, and more. I particularly love Bridle’s idea that intelligence exists and emerges between and among things, and not just in isolation.
Loved this profile of Dorothy Roberts in NY Mag, which got my thinking in a much deeper way about the limits of pro-choice and why we should have been angrier and active so much sooner (see also this great interview with reproductive justice advocate Loretta Ross).
And finally, this brilliantly written long-read about the Choose Your Own Adventure Series. Aside from the salacious behind the scenes drama and the sheer joy this author clearly had writing the article, there are some fascinating theories about the psychology of choice, narrative empathy, and the longing for do-overs.
This is so lovely and eloquent. I hated being pregnant, hated the discomforts in my body, felt a little trapped and like I was shedding pieces of myself to make room for the baby and all of the growth. I really love how you describe pregnancy as this liminal state, it resonates. But lately I’m thinking that we move from liminal state to liminal state, with only brief moments of feeling settled, feeling like we’ve “arrived” - whether it’s in a physical location, or an identity, or a role we’re embodying. Everything is so cyclical and nonlinear! Love you, friend. Xo